I was raped

Where do I go from here? I have broken my silence and now they say the healing will begin. What is this healing they speak of? I sit and wait.

 

When I was raped, I went home alone and cried all night. The night comes to me in bits and pieces but mostly in sadness. It is not something I want to remember. Now I am expected to lay charges and dredge up the worst memories in my mind. The memories I had packed away in shame and hidden from everybody. I never told a soul about my rape because on some level I believed that I deserved it. What was I doing with Brickz anyways? I can’t tell you how stupid I feel associating myself with someone I knew was problematic. I knew his habits. I turned a blind eye.

I read in the papers that he had hit a girl...I turned a blind eye.

Truly, deep down in my heart I feel like I went to the den and got what I deserved.

 

I also just couldn’t believe it. It’s hard to believe that Brickz raped me. It is hard to believe to this day. It is so hard to believe it was easier to block it out of my mind. I thought I was doing fine for many years. I didn’t even notice when one of my friends told her new guy friends that ‘Ntsiki gets scared being around a man, I will pick her up.’ I remember this comment and at the time I was confused, but looking back I see that my behaviour had changed around men. In all honesty, I have not enjoyed a trusting and safe relationship since I got raped. I have an extreme fear of being controlled and it is just difficult to trust that someone could love me completely.

I have to look back and unpack how I have dealt with my sexuality for the past few years. What I remember the most is that I now deprive myself of sex and having sex is now an act of courage for me.

I do not know how many men have been made to feel like predators by me because this has been my default position for so long.

 

I had moved on with my life. Brickz raped me and I knew facing that issue would be an uphill battle for me. Brickz was loved by EVERYBODY. That is not a battle I wanted to take on.

 

I still did not want to believe that he raped me and we both ignored the whole thing and continued like nothing happened. I think that is where the silence began. I used the silence to suppress my reality, and for a while I thought it worked. The funny thing is that I began to overcompensate in my interactions with him. I just wanted to make things better. After the rape, I didn’t keep him in my private life but continued to do some work with him. I remember he always had the power and I was grovelling on some level. The more I write about this, the more I am ashamed of how I reacted.

 

I am ashamed that as a ‘strong woman’ I allowed myself to get into such a situation. I am ashamed that as a ‘strong woman’ some ‘nyaope boy’ urinated all over me. I feel dirty and I don’t know how to vomit it all out. It’s so funny how the disgusting and gross feelings that should be reserved for the rapist are now directed at me. That is the worst part about all of this. That I feel like this and he feels nothing. In fact he will deny it and make me feel like some cheap liar. I cannot express the anger I feel when I think about this.

 

We will never find the words to express what it feels like when someone takes something from you without your permission...it’s even worse when they take it by force. When someone takes something forcefully from you, it makes you want to stab them a thousand times. That is the real battle I have been struggling with, not to get so consumed with hate for this man who has just attached a lifetime stigma on me without my permission.

 

When I entered the entertainment industry I swore to myself that I would never be in the media for sob stories and tragedies. I have consciously avoided putting my hurts on a public platform. I feel like I have failed my own dream for myself, because of this man. This man has made me look weak.

I am angry on so many levels.

 

To the people asking me: ‘WHY NOW?’ Imagine if someone raped you and you kept quiet and a few years later he was charged for rape...wouldn’t that be the perfect opportunity to raise your hand and say ‘ME TOO?’

I couldn’t fight the battle but you know what? The universe conspired and some 16yr old little girl fought on my behalf and I will be eternally thankful to her.

 

My experience with our media has taught me that our editors are incapable of reporting responsibly about such deep society issues as a result I do not wish to speak to them. I do not feel like they are mature enough to handle my pain. I am willing to give talks and visit schools to talk about Rape Culture and use my voice in fighting this demon that faces our nation.

In the meantime please just give me my space. I am healing.

For now I have to get used to saying....I was raped.